i resolve to be more creative.

I need to be more creative. 

No more wasting time worrying about not being any good at this, that, or whatever. I want to exercise more creativity in my daily life, but I'm always too afraid.  Nowadays I just feel totally stupid and braindead.  I would like to blame my job.  I come home feeling totally beat and overloaded. It's taking way too much effort just to post this right now.  It isn't that my job requires me to think all day so I come home tired--it's the opposite, really. It's such a mindless place that I have to completely shut my brain down in order to make it through the day without getting too depressed and pissed off.

I'm always too mentally exhausted and anxious about my shortcomings to do anything creative.  All I wanna do is smoke cigarettes and zone out.  BUT I know I need to exercise more creativity!  It's an essential part of life!  blah, blah, blah. 

I kind of stopped writing because I've been too ~depressed~ and zoned out by my crappy job, and because I kind of fell out of touch with certain persons.  I want to keep writing, even if it isn't about anything!  That's kind of what this blog was about in the first place: just putting shit, and really myself, out there on a regular basis. I don't want to worry about if what I'm saying is dumb or "bad" or whatever.  It's all true anyway, right?  It doesn't have to be good because it's real.  That's all I'm trying to convey.  I think there is this idea out there that real talent strikes like lightning, but I'm not sure I buy into that completely.  The honing of skills takes time and practice, and I won't be where I want to be if I just sit around feeling sad rather than trying to work on something. 

I stopped doing a lot of things, things I honestly cared about and enjoyed doing, out of frustration and fear and depression, and I don't wanna do nothing anymore. Maybe I will be happier if I get back into the kitchen instead of getting depressed and eating Jack in the Box tacos. If I start taking long walks again and thinking about things I want to write about.  If I start to draw pictures again for the first time in years.  If I get over my fear of collaboration and have fun playing music with Nick instead of getting anxious.  Maybe not, but I gotta try.

Thus, I vow to do something creative every day.  To play piano whenever possible. To stop being lazy and take down the musical notation for my songs and find a way to share them with my friends via the internet.  To draw pictures when I'm bored at work instead of wishing somebody would knock me out with a galvanized steel pipe so I can go home. To take pictures, to make movies, to write crappy posts on this blog, to bake cakes and put together weird outfits.  Anything, just as long as I'm being creative.


The one thing I refuse to do is write poetry.