i had this really horrifying dream that this guy slashed my tires and then forced me to sit on his lap and tweeze his eyebrows? and i was tweezin' and then i suddenly became aware that he had a boner...OMG NO....BONER EYEBROWS....

meta

Last night I dreamed that I was telling someone about a dream I had about them(!)

In order to keep up with the changing times, Jeopardy! changed its format from a regular game show to a "quiz reality" show.  The contestants would all be people who had drama with one another.  In addition to answering trivia questions, Alex Trebek would prod them about their personal lives...by the end of most episodes people would end up in jail.

Are you listening, ABC?

I had a dream that I got arrested and that there was a thrift store in jail.

I dreamed that I was in a room full of people and I said "Is it weird that I think Enrique Iglesias is kind of hot?" and the look on everyone's faces was like O_O

i'm not sure what i learned

I had this dream about three assassins trying to kill me.  It was like a bad movie.  One assassin wasn't very memorable.  The second was not very good; it was too easy to get away from her.  The third was a very calculated, adept man.  In my dreams I can always fly, probably because I am pretty much always aware that I am asleep and am usually semi-lucid.  The problem was that assassin #3 could fly, too.  It got to a point where he had almost finally caught me, but then he somehow flew into a cliff and died.  It was one of those things where he realized he was going to die right before it was going to happen and he made this speech.  The big reveal was that he was trying to kill me in order to teach me a lesson.

i had a dream about somebody farting on my face

INCEPTION???

last night my dreams communicated this revelation to me: Three's Company was a great tv show.

i have no idea why. i haven't seen nor thought about "three's company" in ten or more years. you know how sometimes your dreams are more about a single idea or concept than a series of events or symbols?  i fell into the habit of sleeping in my car during my lunch hours and once woke up fixated on these words: BRITNEY SPEARS'S FLABBY ARMS.

blah blah blah

None of this will make any sense unless I tell you that I work as a cashier in a hardware store.  You know how when something just eats away at you, you dream about it all the time? Like math problems for most of my teenage years.  Anyway, I was having this sex dream--my sex dreams are never normal. I was about to have sex with this guy, and when he unzipped his pants instead of a penis he had a male adapter.  A male adapter is a sort of plumbing fixture with the threads (like the windy part of a screw, for those who don't speak hardware) on the outside.  Likewise, a female adapter has the threads on the inside, you dig?  So he pulled out his "male adapter" and I was kind of confused like I thought I was just about to have sex, but I guess I am at work?  I decided that I had better ring it up.

Another dream I had about work: I was there and one of my co-workers gave me what can only be described as an awkward erotic foot rub.  We started selling singing dogs, too.

The other night:

There was this baby with a really, really high temperature.  The fever caused it to turn into satan, so its father tied it up and fixed a helmet over its head.  We were taking it to a guy who cultivated "mushrooms with healing properties."  The distinct feeling of fear.

The other night I dreamed that I beat a person to death.  I am choosing to interpret this as a positive metaphor for something transformative and cleansing.

I was standing on my porch. There were some anonymous people around and we were trying to fill a giant hole in my front yard with garbage. Two energetic dogs were running about, getting in the way. Things went on in this manner for a time when, without warning, the neighborhood grew dark. Everyone on my block seemed to sense something sinister and retreated into their houses. I was no longer myself, but a little boy standing on my porch and simultaneously a person watching a movie (the little boy was a person from the movie). There was an older man and another boy on the porch, my father and brother. My father climbed hurriedly onto the roof of the house and pulled my brother up after him. We were trying to hide from whatever was coming. I was halfway up when I saw someone or something sinister scurry up the street perpendicular to mine. I sensed that something even worse was coming after it, and held very still. A few seconds later a dark figure--that may or may not have been played by Nicolas Cage in my dreammovie--started up the street. He had nearly passed and I thought I was safe, when he turned around and looked right into me. He was angry, booming. YOU KNEW I WAS COMING AND YOU COULD HAVE STAYED INDOORS BUT YOU DIDN'T. I AM GOD AND YOU ARE GOING TO DIE! He stood there doing something that looked like the concentrated gathering of all his power. He stopped in the middle of this process, though, saying that on second thought, I shouldn't be the only pithy little human lucky enough to die. He hit me with half the juice to teach me some sort of great lesson. I was knocked over.

In the next scene, I was no longer the little boy but a person at the movies. The little boy had grown up into something strange after the incident with Nick-Cage-God during his childhood. He sat on the side of a hill on some kind of vision quest in this scene, but for some reason the filmmakers had done this part in claymation that looked terrible, and that was all I could think about.

Cut to two women in a cave sitting by a fire. The feeling is that this cave is somewhere deep inside the Earth, somewhere and sometime primordial. The two women are actually two piles of sticks, but when the fire casts a shadow against the cave's wall two human-like figures can be seen. They are very old, and it is understood that these two women are god. They are laughing and talking about how Nicholas Cage in the movie thinks he is god. Things are unchanging.

A series of doors open somewhere in Los Angeles. On the other side is a posse of arty Hollywood types. They stand outside god's cave, talking. They are going to go inside and ask if they can use god's sticks for their post-modern art project.

a nap

For some reason I was forced to become a waitress. I was nervous about carrying plates. I think I was trying to preempt embarrassment when I announced to everyone to expect me to drop three plates a shift, at least. Things became awkward when I found out that the Dallas Cowboys were coming in and I would have to serve them, because I'd been kicked off the team last season.

this is your face on drugs

I dreamed that I tried to smoke but instead I accidentally set my face on fire.

I exited the front door of a house. As I opened the door, I could see a small, fluffy white dog running toward me. I'm afraid of dogs, so I tried to slam the door shut, but it ran in before I was able to do so. Instead, I rushed out and shut the dog inside the house. Somehow, the dog opened the door and came out. It ran into the yard and looked at me intently. I could hear it panting heavily, but its pants sounded more like a person imitating the sound of a dog than a real animal. Suddenly then, it lept into my arms and said "I'm a cop!"

two dreams about apartments

1. Veronica had a really nice apartment on Veteran Ave all to herself. "How does she afford this?" I wondered. Through an open door in the living room I could see half of her bedroom. It completely slipped my mind that my sister was coming to Los Angeles that day.

2. The door to his place was open. I knocked loudly but didn't wait for answer before walking in. Someone had built a fort out of couch cushions on the living room floor. I could see two pairs of legs sticking out of the fort. I walked into the bathroom where a towel had been tossed onto the floor.

He followed me into the bathroom after a few minutes. "She doesn't want to fuck you when I'm around," I said. "The girl with pale legs." He seemed annoyed that I had wandered into his apartment uninvited, despite having left his door wide open. I announced that in any case I was leaving; buying a pack of cigarettes. I started to walk away. He called to me from the other room, telling me to wait for him to put on his sweater.

We walked a long way until we found a news stand, but they only had Marlboros and no menthols.